Top 9 Bullshit Controversies of the London 2012 Olympics

1. Press-N-Curlgate

While Gabby Douglas was out accomplishing more in her adolescence than most American adults will in their lives, some bitchassed haters decided they didn’t like the looks of her hair.

I mean, why couldn’t she take breaks with a hot comb between flying like a G6 and becoming a role model to millions of kids everywhere?

2. Kickin it old school

South African swimmer Cameron van der Burgh took home the gold in the 100-meter breaststroke, then decided to let everyone know he took illegal extra kicks underwater.

His defense? Everyone does it, it’s just hard to get caught for it. Same reason I always get Sprite in my water cup at Taco Bell. Just kidding, I don’t eat at Taco Bell since I don’t like peeing out of my butt in public.

3. Stab-N-Go

Kenyan cop Ezekial Kemboi took home the gold in the steeplechase. Never would have happened if they hadn’t let him post bail after stabbing a woman in Kenya.

Also, he says that the skin bleaching cream, wigs, and Puerto Rican birth certificate sitting on the bed in his hotel room are just part of a Halloween costume he got for really cheap just outside of London. Nothing to see here.

4. Shuttlecockblocked

8 players from South Korea, China, and Indonesia were DQ’d after throwing matches to affect who they’d end up competing against later on in the tournament.

All I had to say was…”Wait, badminton is in the Olympics?” I’m sure their defense was:  ”COME ONNNNN! We thought no on was watching! And we really do mean no one.”

5. German time machine

A glitch caused the clock to stop, allowing Shin Lam’s German opponent extra time to get in points when the match should have been over. Lam then staged a tearful sit-in protest.

The judges refused to fix the error since all this drama was cutting into their lunch break and the food court was almost out of McDonald’s apple pies. They did try to make it up to her by offering a consolation medal from one of the Happy Meals.

6. Flag fiasco

The North Korean Soccer team was introduced with the South Korean flag, at which point the whole team freaked the fuck out and stormed off the pitch.

I mean, that’s like playing Paris Hilton’s sex tape while saying it’s Kim Kardashian’s.  One is wayyy scarier and you really should know the difference, considering they’re mortal enemies.

7. Human dolphin

16 year old Ye Shiwen broke records right out of the gate and even topped Ryan “Box of Rocks” Lochte’s time for the same event. Doping allegations ensued.

But look at it this way: You’d be a superhuman swimmer too if your government took you to an X-Men-inspired academy when you were a fetus, injected you with dolphin DNA, and told you you’d never see your family again unless you came back with at least one gold medal.

8. Amateur doping

Nicholas Delpopolo got the boot after testing positive for THC and claiming that  he unknowingly ate some pot brownies.

Unless you’re 95 with no taste buds, there’s no way you would be able to consume an entire pot brownie without noticing that it doesn’t taste like any other brownie you’ve ever had before, and why is everyone a cartoon right now? Is this real life? I think I’m dying, someone call 911!

9. Belgian’s first night out

Belgium’s Gijs Van Hoecke got sent home after photos of him were released that showed him on cloud 27,  being carried out of a club and into a cab after drinking maybe twice his body weight in liquor.

I think it would have been punishment  enough to a) wake up the next morning covered in piss and vomit and 2) see the even funnier pics on Facebook that didn’t make it into the newspapers. Wait, 2 doesn’t come after a. I guess that’s my last gin & tonic for the day. See? The key is realizing your limits. Enjoy your debauchery responsibly.

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